After my marriage had ended, it was time to dip my toes into the waters of freedom. I began to travel across the US. I was guided through several months of challenges and detours. These tests were meant to build my strength of will, to help release my fear of the unknown, to learn to fully trust in the Divine, to teach me how I respond under difficult circumstances, as well as continuing to love and protect myself from destructive energies. This time was a gift from the Divine, for me to find my true self. As well as to see my own deep hidden pain or secrets that were still lurking within my shadow self.
I was challenged much more than I had expected. I was still very vulnerable from my divorce, and very much unsure of myself and my abilities. I had never been on my own before, as I had been in a relationship since I was a teenager. This journey was so far out of my comfort zone, yet I knew that God had lessons for me to learn. Not only about life and relationships but also things I needed to know about myself. As a teacher in this trade, you must master your own shadows in order to elevate into the next level of ascension. This is my journey into my own shadows.
Since this trip began, I have been guided to use my intuition every step of the way. I have made mistakes and missteps along the way, as that is the fear and resistance that is hiding within my shadow self. I was truly afraid of change. Afraid of the unexpected. Afraid of staying in a lost and wandering state indefinitely. My own fear and ego mind continuously looked backwards. I was clinging to a life that did not exist any further. Heart break and confusion kept my mind and heart in a state of sorrow and depression. This issue clouded my judgment which prevented me from having clear intuitive insight. Making this journey much more difficult for myself than necessary.
As I would make these mistakes, God would reveal the shadows for each situation. So that I may recognize them in the future. Plus, this would allow me to make the proper adjustments within my own shadow, as well as to see the other person for who they truly are, behind their masks. Every situation that I met, taught me how to read and respond appropriately. This is teaching me which energies that I should distribute and that which to avoid. Also bringing me more insight, through understanding other persons motives and intentions. An important key in using discernment and your intuition to guide me through situations.
The illusions or façade that we present, is that mask. God was showing me pride, wrath, sloth, gluttony, greed, lust, and envy. Not just within others, but also my own shadow energy. Learned behavioral patterns that we all have or are within us. I had all of them. I knew I did, as I had spoke on this over a year ago in a video on my YouTube channel. Therefore, God was teaching me even more. These are the 7 Deadly Sins. That is the Devil within. Our own darkness. We all have this. I was learning how to recognize mine, heal them and then transmute them. The end goal is to ascend and become even closer to God, whom is also within you. The light and dark, the yin to the yang. We are in the times of good versus evil, which is within your own psyche. Not outside of you. We are fighting the forces within ourselves.
Learning more about this has shifted my mind-set completely, on how I will respond and manage all situations in the future. I have an altered state of consciousness within my own shadow. Instead of presenting shadow energy, I must bring forward light energy, which are obviously the opposite of those 7 shadow energies. The light energies would be humility, forgiveness, diligence, temperance, charity, chastity, and kindness. These are our 7 heavenly virtues. When we bring in these energies, we are bringing in the love and light of God.
During my journey I have learned that I still struggled with all of them. Even though I had thought I had completely healed the shadow. Oh boy, was I wrong! So much of my ego was hidden. When ever I felt hurt, betrayed, or even defensive, my shadow would present all the shadow aspects. It was my own natural response to negative or difficult situations. Instead of bringing the light aspect, I brought in the shadow, causing even more issues. Which caused grief and anguish not only for others but 10-fold upon me. Disciplinary action from God, showing me the truth of myself. What I found interesting is that I never intended to hurt anyone, I suppose only myself.
Which I also learned is another hidden shadow. I am a self-cutter, feeling as though I don’t deserve good things in my life. I was totally afraid of failure. I couldn’t allow love in. Fear and pain kept me bound. I would run away from situations, as I never thought I was good enough, smart enough, strong enough, worthy enough, or even loving enough. Always striving to fill some hole that was within me. Looking outside of myself to fix me, instead of just fully loving all parts of me. That is what will bring me to wholeness. By doing this journey I am filling that emptiness that was always in my heart by loving myself completely, shadows and all.
I didn’t see my own shadows. My own deception within myself. I wasn’t being malicious; I was merely living my old programs and limited expectations of myself. I wanted an equal give and take but never realized that I wasn’t giving equally myself, into relationships. As I wasn’t loving myself first. I was going through the motions of life. Not knowing that I was sacrificing my own needs and wants for others, yet I was not asking others what they really wanted or needed from me. I was just doing what I thought they needed. I wasn’t great with communicating my needs or desires with anyone. Let alone asking other for theirs. I suppose I was never taught that in my younger years. Either way this was another lesson I needed to learn about myself along my path. In order to receive and give equally to a relationship, by communicating our needs, desires, wants, goals, successes and failures is so important. Learning the hot buttons and shadows of each individual, helps us to navigate the relationship in love, in order to understand the others deeper needs and desires.
Throughout this process I have been shown the damage and issues that I had brought into my marriage. I only saw what was negative within our connection. I held onto those negatives for later use. I would say that was a form of manipulation. By bringing them up later in other difficult situations, in order to manipulate the outcome. I did not see this abusive behavior within me. It was also revealed that I was also lax when it came to a career and finance. I would either work way too much or not at all. This is as you know sloth, I was totally out of balance in career and work life. Everything that I had done in life was just side gigs, my family was most important. Due to my focus on others, I didn’t find my passion until very late in life. I just never felt successful or even felt accomplished. Due to the way I was thinking this caused resentment within me toward my husband, as he was able to build his career. It did help to learn, that he acknowledges that I was there to help him, do that. We were a team. Not seeing that I had raised a beautiful family and built a cozy home. That is its own success.
Unfortunately, I felt like I had lost myself, and I had. Most mothers put their families first, while losing who they are and what they need in life. I chose to give away my power and life. I didn’t have a gun pointed at my head to hold me hostage, even though I had felt that way. It was my own inner evil, of unworthiness, old pain, resentments, envy, and distrust. The runner within me wanting out. Plus, I was hurting those that I loved for years, unbeknownst to me. Obviously, I see things very differently now, but holding regret will only cause further pain. I forgive myself; I understand I only went through life with the knowledge that I had at that time. Inevitably, I decided to do this healing for my family not just for myself. I knew deep within that I was here to make the changes, to humble myself through the insight and wisdom gained from this shadow experience. Which has rocked me deep to my core.
The hardest part of this entire journey has been leaving my entire family behind. I was a typical stay-at-home parent, with 3 grown children and now a step grandchild, that I have been guided to leave behind. I also had pets. Now, due to this huge change in my life, my entire world has turned upside down. I no longer have a home, no job (other than the work God is telling me to do), God asked me to separate from my children, to focus on me. Spending my time filling my own cup of love while forging forward into the unknown. To find a sense of peace and to build a new life. I am an entirely different person after this experience. I am still struggling to process all that has happened. I am just focusing on healing my body, mind, and spirit again. These shadow journeys can be difficult and painful to endure. Mine was no exception. It will take me time to heal and rebuild, however if I keep my faith, I know things will work out as God has intended.
My journey, has me facing my deepest darkest hidden secrets. Of being alone, alienated, poor, and lost, with no safety net. Learning to find a way to survive without anyone else to help or guide me, other than my own spirit guides. Showing me how to use my own resources and strength to forge forward regardless. My ego mind always brings up the same old fear from childhood trauma. I however now see it for what it is and what it does to me mentally and physically. Now I just set it aside and still step forward through it. Recognizing my own shadow self, which is trying to detour me from reaching my goals and success. Every day is a challenge. I am no longer looking backward or forward. I take one day as it is given, as we are not promised a tomorrow. So now I will enjoy every day, as if it were the very last.
